It’s broke. My heart that is…I don’t even know where to begin. I am hurting so bad. I found myself trying to date again-starting a new beginning with a man that I thought would be my husband. Of course I didn’t know that in the beginning, but as time went on, he revealed to me the man that he is. He is wonderful, kind, loving, thoughtful… I can’t begin to say enough about how wonderful he is. He has shown me how a man should treat a woman. He loves God. All in all I think that he is pretty amazing. We met back in May 2012. It now April 2013 and we were going strong; at least I thought that we were. Last night we had ‘the talk” about our expectations in this quasi committed relationship we were in. My expectations: “I’m not dating for fun; I am dating to get married. I like you and I see a future with you.” His expectations: I am also dating to get married, and I am a family guy and I want children.” Cool! We are both on the same page however he doesn’t know if he wants to be with me or not. He says that in the past he has made poor choices regarding his relationships and does not want that to happen again.
So this time he is waiting on God to tell him to go or not go – as far as a relationship with me is concerned. Now when I first heard this, I felt hurt. I thought to myself “you have been dating me for over 6 months and you don’t know if you see a future with me?” Ok that fine. I can deal with that – some people take longer than others. But then I asked him the ultimate question – “have you gone out with any other women?” His answer – Yes – 2 women. Heart sinks to the bottom of my stomach. Well that tells me everything I need to know. You are not that into me if you are out there still looking. We continued to talk it out and I tried to gain clarity as to where he stands – however I just kept getting mixed signals. I am tired. I am tired of putting my faith in men and thinking that they can love me. I just keep getting let down. I will put my faith in God. I know that he has a husband out there for me.
I can’t help but feel bad for myself. I feel rejected. I mean I think about myself and I think that I am a great catch and I just can’t understand why no one can see that. Let’s not forget that I am also a breast cancer survivor and I know that can be a lot for any individual to handle. I’m scared, I’m sad. I am praying for a shift in the atmosphere. God, I am here. I need you right now. I will worship and I will praise.
TBD…